Random Expressions

If there is one woe common in India (and extended to Nepal since I have stayed there too) it’s that of the maids - especially those who work for bachelors, staying alone. I know the NRI’s will snigger that at least we get them pretty inexpensive here (unlike abroad, where they skim off your wallet by the hour!). But given the fact that labor is cheap here, and home-help is indeed abundant, let’s not deviate too much, and accept that hiring a maid is a necessary evil than luxury.

But their irregularity irritates & irks. And when they work for bachelors the excuse for not turning up is uncannily similar and non-innovative all across (at least it has been through the three cities that I have stayed) - ‘ we came but you had left by then!’ Simple! Who’s going to check whether they actually came or not! I don’t really keep a time-guard or attendance register outside my home.

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Look at life’s irony - there was a time, on this very blog, when I had wanted to give it up all and walk away. During those crises-ridden days, I sought escape routes that were not available, and as lazy hours stared back with their longing eyes, I would return to this page, trying to form words out the creative stupor and nether that I was in.

Today, the scenario is diametrically opposite - I have so much to tell, yet I am not able to find those lazy hours (nay, moments) where I can sit leisurely to sort that jumble of thoughts and events and celebrations into a neat and tidy readable post(s). Here is, in capsule, all those posts that never saw the life on this blog, but could have been, and who knows, might also find themselves written sometime in future:

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My experience with a diet program!

Plagiarism is not restricted to our films and music. It extends to our web world too. I found this diet program here, only to later discover that it was a word-to-word lift from the famous General Motors (GM) diet program, only that the beef was replaced by bean sprouts - and this, without any acknowledgement or byline! (There is a contention that this diet might not have anything to do with the car manufacture).

Anyways, let’s start from the beginning. One fine morning I got this cosmic enlightenment that I had to reduce weight, somehow, someway. As I searched options, all got crossed off: exercise, I read on the net - suddenly, the entire body formed a union and went off on strike, hassled and agitated. Reduce carbs - this time the taste buds protested vehemently, “you can’t leave that kachori, can you?” they screamed at the top of their lungs, while simultaneously coaxing the eyes to land on that sumptuous new Pizza Hut offer card. Err, umm, ok - not that. But somehow there has to be a beginning. Eat less - and the stomach groaned like an over-stuffed but always supposedly under-fed giant. Ok, OK, keep silent. Lemme think of something else.

The poor brain, like the poor management of public sector banks in India, was left pretty alone and deprived and tried to find a middle-solution. It’s then that this site came into the picture. It’s only for a week. And it allows you to stuff yourself. Plus, it mentions only a mild exercise. So, it should be ok. The body relented. Agreement reached. And General Motors (GM) diet begun! Be it GM diet or Santro diet or Volkswagen - what’s in a name anyways, as the Bard said!


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If you remember this post, (and even if you don’t that’s why I am providing the link), you will recall my paranoia in shaving off my moustaches. Finally, one Sunday evening, while getting a shave at my friendly neighborhood barber, I told him to yank off the hair from above my upper lip - a rare on-the-spot decision, and it had to be that way only if it ever had to be accomplished. The reason for not updating this earlier ranged from I-might-not-like-it-and-will-return-to-the-original-look to the I-am-damn-lazy-and-writing-on-a-petty-mouche-doesn’t-serve-this-blog-good! Anyways, the point is that I haven’t grown them back, and am quite liking myself sans the extra hair. So, all ye who have seen me, be prepared to welcome the ‘new improved(?)’ DJ!

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Funny I read actor and former VJ Rahul Khanna’s fabuloulsy written post on encountering a cockroach just at the time when I am these days faced with similar problems - albeit involving a completely different species. Rahul’s tryst with a cockroach is funnily narrated. But my daily face-to-face with lizards hardly tickles my funny bones.

My enemies are not the cockroaches; I can bear them, and they look pretty mild, as compared to the animal that seems to be here, there and everywhere in my house - the lizard. When the mercury soared this month, I had to open the windows and doors; else I’d have died of suffocation and heat. But instead of any cool relief, all I got were these creepy crawly things running over the walls, and sometimes on the floors.

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When the overtly abundant but rarely active traffic cops pulled over my car at the busy landmark intersection of St. John’s College, I wondered if, engrossed in the song playing on my stereo, I had jumped the signal. Traffic violations are so rampant in Agra that I have ceased to pay attention to the rules, finding it quite tough to adjust to the more stringent (though not the best) Delhi traffic rules. I saw cars rushing past mine, so I was sure I hadn’t broken any law. If any, I would be following a few extra ones, for example wearing a seat belt, which is not mandatory here, but I still fasten it just to keep the habit alive.

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I am sure any self-respecting medical journal will give you pretty simple, doable and practical answers eat a light dinner, take a small walk, wear loose clothes, count till whatever number you can count till and many more.

But one very important advice they forget is something which I realized recently, and it actually confused me initially: keep your conscience clean and satisfied; because if you do not do so you are bound to pound the poor bed, turning and twisting the night long.

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In my current job assignment I meet a lot of the government servant types (I cringe at the use of the word ’servant’ , clearly an odious legacy from the British era). I have noticed that they are the ones who almost always have a very neat and cut out life.

Often they ask me about my family. And the surprise (or rather, the shock) on their face is more than visible when I state I am single. It is impossible for them to comprehend that I chose to stay this way, willingly and happily, after my divorce. Invariably, they will go on to list out the virtues of getting married and the need to be settled an argument which rankles me no end. Why can’t I be ’settled’ without the burden of marriage?

But a more pertinent question is, why even be settled in life?

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(Since I mentioned a previous nightmare in the last post, I am re-publishing an entry from my previous blog, Initially, the post was published on 20.08.05)

I am alone. I am lonely. Something is bothering the heart. I cannot place it. I am on this main road. A famous one. Darbar Marg. It is raining. It is night. There is no one on the road. Across, in the middle, there is a fountain. Somone is standing with an umbrella. I know that person. I dont go towards him. But sing aloud enough to attract attention. I want the person to know my presence but simultaneously dont want to talk to him.


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Due to an unexpectedly late ‘monthly meet’ at office, I was back in Delhi for a consecutive weekend - a first ever since I shifted to Agra. It kept parents happy, though my car and me were extremely grim when we heard of the trip. You don’t have ‘monthly review’ meets when the next month is just ten days away from its own closure! But admittedly, the bigger concern was to get my lazy bones moving towards the tyre shop to get the burst one replaced. I postponed and procrastrinated till the very end, and eventually trudged to a nearby shop on Friday late evening. Since I had no experience of buying a tyre - and neither did any of my colleagues - so listened half heartedly to the talk given by the shop-owner about ‘double rubber’, ‘ZVT’ as just another sales pitch. The third hurdle was that to reach Delhi on time, I would have had to wake up at 4 in the morning. Which I did.

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So, 2006 slipped into posterity and the New Year greets us with the same characteristic cheer and good-will as each new year does – till the time it settles into its own routine, beyond the flurry of congratulatory SMS’s, emails, phone-calls and messages.

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Trust the administration to do some good act in totally half-baked pathetic manner. Recently, at Janpath, Delhi Police has started issuing warnings over a loud speaker - they include, amongst others: not to touch unclaimed objects, not to speak to strangers or accept gifts/foodstuff from them, not to hire domestic/shop helps without proper verification etc. All fine. All sane stuff. But, they repeat it ad naseum… in Hindi! Now, anyone knows that Janpath is forever infested with foreigners from all across the globe; the least they could do is to repeat the same in English! Plus, I fail to understand why they have chosen only Janpath - which is just a sliver of Connaught Place (the central Delhi swanky market cum office place)? Or, have I missed listening to it on the other blocks? It wasnt there at Palika Bazar today for sure!

Frankly, it must be pretty irritating for those who work there. To hear the same thing over and over again can be highly grating on the nerves. Plus, those ‘bhonpu‘ shaped speakers aren’t exactly Bose in their sound output - so the screechy voice followed by a shrill chime is as musical as a cat clawing over a blackboard! I stood there having my lunch for approx. ten minutes, and couldn’t take it any further.

Noise pollution continued to hound me today.

I don’t think it was very far in the past when we all survived without mobile phones. So the overdependence on this device pretty much leaves me stone-faced. Agreed it has an absolutely wonderful usage during emergencies. But seriously, to giggle into the mobile phone in the temple is stretching the definition of ‘emergencies’ a bit too far! Every Tuesday, at our neighborhood temple, without fail I witness several pretty young things (yeah, it’s the girls more always!) dodging into a corner, with their hands cupped and faces buried away into sleek handsets. The worst sight could be to see someone chatting on the phone while pouring ‘jal‘ over Shivling!

Actually, I wouldn’t really mind that. Since they do not per se disturb others - that is, if they keep their voice volumes low! It’s the ring tones that I have major problem with. The concept of ring tones and hello tones is awful… esp the latter. I mean, what fun do people get in inflicting torture on the poor hapless soul who has called them by showering an utterly raucous voice called Shamur - cant decide whether this thing is male or female- rasping away inane lyrics like ‘Mera Ranjha Badi Der’ (that’s all that I could comprehend in this hideous song)?

Anyways, that is when you call someone.

But what to say of a situation when you are sitting to read your Shiv Chalisa in the temple…and out wails Himesh Reshamiiya from a friendly neighborhood mobile phone?

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At last the clouds have gathered and rains are imminent. The last one week has been particularly bad. Power situation dipped to an all time low, and all we heard through the black outs were news of one or the other power-station tripping and packing up. 

I have become a certified couch potato; or rather a ‘bed’ potato since my television is in the bedroom. After missing of television for more than a year, I took to watching it with a vengeance. But most viewing is restricted to movies and songs channels, with an occasional foray into news ones. To my horror I discovered that all the money spent on collecting DVD’s last year was sheer wastage since those movies keep repeating themselves ad nauseum. For example, I can puke now if someone so much as mentions the thought of watching No Entry – a movie that I thoroughly enjoyed earlier. Other than Sahara telecasting it alternatively on its both channels (Filmy and Sahara One) every other week, my cable-wallah has also gone overboard there. In fact, my cable-guy has a strange habit of showing those very same films a couple of days earlier that would in any case be shown on Max or Filmy the same week! 
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The answers are as follows:

1. Akayla -  I saw it with friends after a gruelling college lecture. It was difficult to decide which was bad - the lecture or this film. Coming from Ramesh Sippy, with Amitabh Bachchan in the lead, and stable actors like Shashi Kapoor and Jackie Shroff as supporting casts, calling it a ’let-down’ is an understatement. For long I believed this was the worst Amitabh Bachhan movie ever made - till the time I saw Lal Badshah and Mrityudaata; thankfully, for the latter two I didn’t waste time and money at a theater, and also had the option of a remote control in my hand!

2. Bunty Aur Bubli -  Nothing, simply nothing, had prepared me for this - in spite of Ashish warning me about it, I still held hope that the film will be passably entertaining. The jokes failed to make me laugh. And the way the cons were executed, and presented in a stupid collage, put me off completely. By the time the useless and unwanted number ‘Nach baliye’ came on, I threw up my arms - and self out of the theater! This answer would have been easy for Ashish and Anubha to answer, since I had called them up during that song!

Now when I see the song I feel it is quite pleasantly choreographed (Shiamik Dawar at work). And it is aurally above average too.

The film was shown as part of a promotional program which our company had organized for our channel partners in Nepal. Thankfully, like the rest of India, everyone lapped up the movie and enjoyed it.

So, this was a quick and short quiz. The winners will be announced shortly.

Coming up next - An alphabetical tag!

Movie-watching is a passion. And its very rare that I will ever walk out of a theater - however bad the film might be. I dont like missing any part of the film, hence I never walk out on the songs even. For me a movie is not even enjoyable if I miss the advertisements and trailors at the beginning.

Yet, it has happened - not once, but twice over. So, you can imagine how boring these films would have been.

Well, the quiz is - can you guess which two films am I talking about?

Hint One - For long (precisely till 2005), this was the ‘lone’ film that had the dubious distinction in my life for being the one wherein I could not bear to sit through. It was towards the climax when I lost all patience and even forced my friends to leave the theater. Surprisingly it starred my most favorite actor - the superstar of all times, and even currently going strong in his sixties! The film had some hideous songs, one revolving around the hero’s car - a yellow Volkswagon. Name the film!

Hint Two - Can you beat this? The second film I walked out mid-way in a song actually starred the hero of Hint One Movie’s son in the lead role. Admittedly, I returned after the song to sit through the whole movie - but I felt that particular song was really badly placed, and it tested my patience no end. The film went on to become one of the biggest grossers of 2005; the song was quite a big hit, so much so it had a game-show based on its title - though it was the other song from the same film, that starred another heroine in a guest appearance, which rocked the nation! Name the film! (And if possible, the song in which I left the theater).

I think the hints are good enough, no?

Answers to be mailed at quiz@deepakjeswal.com

Last date - June 6th 2006 1900 Hrs.

By the time you read this, I will be flying over mighty Himalayas to reach my homeland. Thanks to the facility on Wordpress to change the date/time stamp, I have deliberately kept this post dated 28th April 2006 - the day I bade farewell to Nepal. I will not get time in the morning to post anything.

I am quite confused as to how to write this post. The past few days have been hectic, and I haven’t had time to assimilate my thoughts. I had planned to write a comprehensive post covering key aspects of my stay here, but I think that one will have to wait. 

Right now, emotions are strong, and I will allow myself to immerse in them.

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Shifting back is a tedious process. While coming here things were easy. Initially, there were a series of India-visits and I got all the stuff I required slowly and steadily. Plus, over the months I purchased other useful items here. But going back, means packing them all up in one single go. Thankfully, since the decision was taken I had taken few stuff back last time. However, I realise now that the ‘few’ stuff was precisely that only - few! A large bulk remained, and I am at my wits ends getting them all packed or disposing them off.

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When I woke up today the curfew was on; and it will last till late evening. Yesterday, an aquaintance had called in to inform about it, but I had not paid any heed to his warning. Rumors are as much in abundance here as there are bandhs and agitations. As stated on my main blog a few days back, curfew does not affect me as such, except that the shops are closed.

Half awake, I had trudged to the neighborhood shop to buy milk, and that is where I got the news. Being in a by-lane, the shop was open; it is basically a ‘dhaba’ but keeps stock of milk, water, cigarettes and a few other daily use stuff. Thankfully, I have some basic cooking ingredients, so will manage the food part for today!

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That pretty much summarises the last four days. It’s not that I had some huge work to do by roaming in the city; but, the curfews have resulted in shortages in essentials like vegetables and milk. Plus, of course the immense loss in business with most establishments, including restaurants, closed is a separate problem.

Personally, the biggest hit has been food and entertainment. With the maid’s arrival erratic, one day of cooking means utensils piling up. Plus, as I said earlier, what to cook is the biggest question? The quality of basic stuff like tomatoes and onions is quite off-putting. Restaurants are closed, so I have to rely on a single near-by hotel for dinners once the curfew is lifted in the evening!

Entertainment was primarily watching films - and that is impossible now! Songs continue, however!

Anyways, I will try to put up some thing better and more positive soon. Right now, the overall melancholic mood has permeated within. Meanwhile, the story progresses slowly; two last episodes are left, so that should be done during this week!

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I don’t know how far it is true, but I speak from my personal experience - separating a man from his moustaches is quite an impossible task. Hrishikesh Mukherjee built an entire comedy revolving around mouches - remember Golmaal? And Utpal Dutt’s indignant stand - munch nahin toh mard nahin! I sport one. But unlike Utpal Dutt in the film, I do not twirl any morality into them; but yes, it seems without them I would be not complete.
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